post pain release

To come out of the other side of searing pain
i need to sink down deep into the abyss
feel the ache and massage the bruise
absorb all the sadness and grief again

Before i can let it go and feel the relief
that release brings
i have to cut myself internally, do self-harm
take my thoughts to those places, memories that make me sigh
and then i cry and cry and cry

with your love denied me i feel bereft
with your love around me i am complete
lying here patiently waiting for wakening
lying here trying to make a part of us meet

good morning is the start i long to hear
a gentle touch from you i yearn for
joining of voice, body, heart and soul
will make me whole, it's you i adore

to have ended up where we are now
both of us hurting to the depth of our bones
proud and stubborn neither surrender
instead of together we remain alone

music

creation of music
playing with notes
all around me
night and day
surrounding
enveloping
uplifting
maddening
smiling
caverns and summits
troughs and peaks

one eye wandering
separate drives
whilst one caves in
the other thrives
no balance perceived
between the parts
but
the whole is greater than the sum
and believed
in totally

today

keep it in
for fear of what?
shut me out
what have i got?

put me down
push me away
cut me up
day by day

animosity i feel emanating from you
insides are empty and tears burst forth
how could i really be so bad
enough to make me feel this sad

i must just love you far too much
to feel this numb, no voice, no touch

was not born a victim, and will not be
although the martyr i can see
in you whenever you wish to maim
those around you with excellent aim

please come back, and talk and share
this silence is more than i can bear

confused

what affords you the right
to write what you like
for the world to see
but not me

creative licence
enabled to express feelings
done with dour notes strung together
to share the abyss to which you have sunk

and when you come out
of the strange dark place
you don't need me to hear
or share the new piece

it hurts - so much
and you really don't know
perhaps i should bear
my soul to you
do you care

the love is bare
and only just there
unfulfilling, no sense of me
and what i might like
going through the motions
have you a notion
of how i feel lost and full of emotion
after?

...

so sad, so low
nowhere to go
but up
been here before
lying on the floor

feel used and suppressed
abused and oppressed

lured to a place
with a false face

unable to share
won't dare
to trust

don't want secrets
want to sleep
mind to stop ticking

crispy

do you know?
what you mean to me?
you are my whole
i was wanting to meet
the other half that makes me complete

when you're not here
there's part of me missing
like touch without feeling

light with no colour
sun with no warmth
music with no sound

i don't want imagine how my life would be
if you weren't here, inside of me

bleak, dreary, dismal and dim
full of discord and mad mayhem

with you i feel peace inside
overwhelming, sublime love resides

enrichment of senses

thank you for being part of my life
i honour and cherish your soul
and am wholly grateful for making me whole

clever play on`words these are not,
and never for show
just so you know how i feel right now